(2012-05-01 19:33:42)

Psychic Vikings on a trip fest to nowhere good.

I can honestly say that this is the most boring movie I have ever seen in my life. There is no story, no character development, no nothing. Now to be fair I have never been one for artistic movies, I see a film to be entertained, so perhaps people that like artsy movies will like this. I can however only describe what I think of this film, and to me this is nothing but a one and a half hour long s*** fest, it might be the worst movie I have seen in my life.Valhalla Rising is about a mysterious mute slave who is being used for gladiator style fights. He also seam to have the ability to predict the future through his dreams. Anyway he soon escapes and wanders aimlessly around together with another slave, a young boy who escaped with him. The pair team up with a group of Christians with more zeal than sense of direction. The Christians is looking for the holy land to join the crusade but end up in America instead.Now you might be thinking, this might make an excellent story, an escaped warrior slave who in addition is psychic and who may or may not come from Hel, a band of zealous crusaders, the myth that the Vikings discovered America before Columbus did. Well yes that could be great, but nothing happens, there is hardly any dialog, the characters are either killing one another of staring off into nothing, or tripping out on hallucinogens and dreaming that they are killing one another or having future visions where they are...you guessed it, killing one another. There is no reason, no storyline nothing. What this movie reminds me of is the 1970's acid movies, there are strange camera angels, crazy colors, trippy music, nonsensical scenes. If I am to compare it to anything it would be Vampyros Lesbos, nonsensical, artsy, trippy and completely unwatchable, the only difference is that here you have psychic Vikings instead of lesbian vampires.I do have to give the movie credit on one point, there are some beautiful nature shots in there. Other than that, like another reviewer said if what you are looking for is a poem or a painting in movie format then this movie might be for you. But if you want anything resembling a plot then shun this movie as you will be disappointed.

Immyr

(2012-05-01 04:56:17)

Breathtaking

I don't even know how I discovered this movie. But it will not leave mefor a long long time.Many levels,so many levels, a deep breath into oneself.Much existential philosophy here.It speaks of the meaning of life. How do we live ? Why do we live ? Howwill we die ? The Christianity is just there in the background to makeone see the emptiness of a life searching for an afterlife. The other men live and die. Many in vain. Searching for their god,searching for a meaning, and always, except a few, dying by their fear.One-eye, the hero (I don't know if you can REALLY call him that), isjust a man, living for the instant, for this world. There is no futurein his eye, just the brutal present. All along his journey, there is akind of smile on his lips, as if he knew what the future will be madeof. Well, events are never unexpected for him, because each of themhappen in the present and he deals...Valhalla : where warriors who die in battle go... Odin was also one-eyed.The penultimate chapter is called : Hell. Hell is the representation ofthe warriors of Christianity for a place on earth. They are in hell,because they think they are. They react as they were there. ForOne-eye, just another place, another home... the last survivors followhim out of it... All the symbolism... the prophet to lead us out of thereligion's hells is just a man, a semi-blind one, who can't see thedistances very well, but see the present, clear enough to lead thepath.Don't go watch this movie if you are seeking action.If Nietzsche is your friend, One-eye is another Zarathustra.10 out of 10 without hesitation.

Claudio Carvalho

(2012-04-29 14:59:49)

A 93-Minute Screenplay in One Page

Part I Wrath – A one-eye warrior (Mads Mikkelsen) is kept prisoner foryears as slave of a Norse tribe to fight for money. One day, he killshis captors and successfully escapes with a boy. Part II: SilentWarrior – One Eye silently walks with the boy and they meet Christianwarriors that invite them to travel to the Holy Land to convertheathens. Part III: Men of God – While sailing in the sea in a Vikingvessel, the wind stops and the boat does not move for a long period.Part IV: The Holy Land – The group finally reaches an unknown land thatthey believe it is the Holy Land. Part V: Hell – The warriors face fearwith the mysterious arrows that kill them and starvation. They believethat One Eye has brought them to hell and they start also killing eachother. Part VI: Sacrifice – One Eye and the boy are surrounded by thelocals and the warrior sacrifices himself to save the boy."Valhalla Rising" is weird and boring movie developed in an extremelyslow pace where basically nothing happens. The cinematography is verybeautiful but the screenplay might have been written in one page onlysince there are very few dialogs and no story. I really wanted to likethis film and I watched it until the very end, but after all I wastotally disappointed. My vote is three.Title (Brazil): "O Guerreiro Silencioso" ("The Silent Warrior")

aspatulablogspotcom

(2012-04-29 07:45:14)

Ingmar Bergman Wannabe

This movie is staggeringly awful. It sets new levels in crapulence.There is so little plot development that there are chapter titles totell you what is about to happen or to move the characters from oneplace to another place. There is a difference between ambiguouscharacter motivations and poor writing. This film falls squarely intothe latter category. Only about half of the movie has any dialogue.Most of the time, the characters are standing around looking at eachother, looking at the scenery, killing each other, or, in one poeticscene, one male character rapes another male character (in fact, thereare no women in this film). The latter event happens as a result ofgetting baked on some kind of liquid they drink. This results in a10-minute, psychedelic, rock music interlude. Plot line, such as it is,revolves around some British Christians taking a pagan, Vikingueber-warrior on a Crusade to the Holy Land. As a professor of history,I could pick at the inaccurate timeline here, but that's the least ofthis movie's problems. The only consistent message in the movie (soconsistent, you'll have lumps on your head from the beating) is thatChristians are bad. At least the director's message, in this case, isclear. At the end, we find that the British Christians have managed toland in North America where the one-eyed, pagan, super warrior allowssome Iroquois to kill him, or he drowns himself in a fjord – it's notreally clear. Of course, that pretty much characterizes the entiremovie – it's not really clear. A dwarf talking backwards would havemade this film perfect.

het2

(2012-04-28 15:24:03)

Like a poem told not in words but pictures

To be honest I do not know what I saw. What I know is that it wasamazing experience. This movie raises a lot of questions yet itprovides no answers just slight hints here and there. It has almost nostory, almost no dialogs, but it offers IMAGES filmed to perfection.This is far from anyone's usual cinema, the difference is here like thedifference between prose and poem and this is poem told not in wordsbut in pictures. Yes, there is a lot of blood and gore, but there isalso beauty (the land), innocence (the boy), hope for inner peaceand/or redemption (not just for our hero). Nothing is explicitly told,what you find here (any message, any meaning) will be reflection ofyour own thoughts and your personal beliefs...I am really happy that there are still people out there making movieslike this one.

dleary69

(2012-04-28 10:54:22)

A Dark and Moody Masterpiece

I had reservations about whether I'd actually like this film, based onmixed reviews. Fortunately, I don't go by by reviews most of the timeunless it's a comedy that I'm on the fence about. This, however, is abrilliantly dark and moody masterpiece. When you watch this film takemy advice and don't try to think about it, take it in, go with it, andthen let your breath out at the final scene. This film seems almostFellini inspired, on a similar visual effect level as The SeventhSeal(Det sjunde inseglet (1957)), also dark and moody. There are timeswhen I honestly can't rationalize what is actually occurring on thescreen. Frankly, don't even try to. You could be in a room with 10people of various backgrounds and get 10 different interpretations ofthis film with the ending throwing away whatever interpretation youarrived at by mid film. Is this a SciFi film? Yes, no. Is it areligious journey? Yes, no. Is it a film you need to sit down with yourfavorite beverage and snack, having already used the restroom, andwatch uninterrupted till the final credits? Yes! I could tell you manydifferent reasons why this isn't mainstream entertainment and directyou to the same old and boring theater crap that's being releasednowadays, but this is something so different that it needs to bewatched. If you like cartoon ogre's and talking VW beetles you'll hatethis. If you like real film this is a keeper. I, for one, loved it!

rooee

(2012-04-22 00:43:51)

Bloody beautiful

Nicolas Winding Refn's Viking crusader drama (literally) bleeds withintensity and storm-cloud philosophy. Mads Mikkelsen's mute warrior,One Eye, stalks the scarred Scandinavian bluffs, violently escapingviolent captivity, before setting off with a band of savage ChristianCrusaders on a voyage to the Promised Land, only to wind up in Vinland.Such expeditions are known to have taken place, although ValhallaRising isn't so much about recounting precise history as depicting themonster at the heart of the male soul. The film fairly reeks of mud and blood; the violence is sudden andfrightening yet indifferent; and every stone-hewn character is drivenby an insatiable hunger, be it wrath, profit, or the Will of God. Thisis not a fast-paced hack-'em-up, but a patient study of a species'primal curse, embodied by One Eye: pure power and pure guilt; the ghostof mankind's future, haunting The Boy (Maarten Stevenson) as he seekshis path home. Tellingly, Winding Refn takes us to the edge of theworld, and still doesn't tell us where "home" is.

pO_Oper

(2012-04-21 13:00:41)

Spoiler of a Razzie qualifying nonsensical mindless waste of time

Spoilers!!! Enter Review for Valhalla Rising (2009)There are no redeeming features for this quite grotesque attempt atfilm making.There is little continuity, very little sensible portrayal ofcharacters, no background that would make it chronological, logical andgraphic violence is attempted to be used to make up for any reality.The travels from place to place are presented as if we are watching acartoon. The characters are never developed. The story line is reallynon existent, and the natives are made to look like clowns with nohumanity.All in all it's a disgrace to waste the 'celluloid' and time, The moneyspent on the film could have been better spent on curbside pick-up ofwaste.Did I say I only watched it to the end because I wanted to see if itqualified as my worst movie of all time.

(2012-04-21 14:13:37)

Do You Enjoy a Womanless world of Blood-letting?

This movie is about a mute prisoner who is used for violent conflicts to the death that eventually escapes. Minimalist dialogue, Vikings on a relentless quest that leads to death. Even watching a group of ants scuttle in the dirt is more interesting.

wolf9292

(2012-04-21 02:23:15)

Unbelievably horrible

I have to say that at no time does the maker of this film give you anyidea what so ever about what the actual plot is. The main character whois a mute, speaks through a boy, but even that is questionable as hekeeps saying "I want to go home". What or where that even means, younever find out. \ You never find out much of anything in this 'film'.Its a bad play, done in acts, with each act not really relating at allto the characters, scenes etc. For instance in the "Hell" act they makeland on a pretty gorgeous continent of trees and ferns. There's freshwater, and there just HAS to be some sort of food somewhere. But theyare "Half starved"? Why? Oh thats right the producer doesn't care totell you much of anything. Several reviews have said that its like a"Trip of acid". So sorry, never have done drugs, don't want to dodrugs. This isn't art, its borderline garbage.Without Mads in this film, really it has nothing. At one point it feltlike a Shakespearian play, when the "Act 1" logo came up, stayed up foralmost a minute then the first scene started.After that I got absolutely nothing out of it other then some druggedup crazy guy with a camera following around a shallow, unexplainedcharacter that you never like, get to know or be part of.

(2012-04-10 19:40:22)

Police detective offers an explanation of the film

This review is from: Valhalla Rising (DVD) Ok, don't read this review unless you have already seen `Valhalla Rising'. Because a lot of people still don't seem to get it, here's a capsule explanation of exactly what happens in the film, from someone who examines evidence of crimes and from that puts together suspects' MOs, serial killer methodologies, etc:A mute slave, One Eye, is forced by his captors to fight. One day, he finds an old arrowhead by submerging himself in a waterpool located on some mountain upland, after having a dream about the event. Later, One Eye uses the arrowhead to free himself and kill his captors. From this, his mind forms an abstract construct about submersion in water giving him the key that unlocks his freedom. An unnamed slave boy accompanies the newly freed One Eye, and they encounter a group of Christian Scots-Gaelic warriors who are on their way to the Crusades. One Eye and the boy board the Christians' ship, and with them sail away into a dense sea fog that does not lift until they find their ship has somehow left the sea and floated inland along the course of an unnamed river. Their location is uncertain and soon becomes a point of contention among the travelers.In this unfamiliar land, One Eye and his companions encounter some signs of human habitation: raised wooden biers holding decayed corpses and tribal religious paraphernalia stand in a lightly wooded area. Pay attention here, and you can see near this location a waterpool or small pond with the trunk of a dead, sun-bleached tree rising out of the water, or from the shore. There is a scene where the group is approaching the biers, and the waterpool/tree is there between them and the biers; another waterpool/dead tree tableau can be seen briefly for a moment behind and to the right of the leader of the Christian warriors. One Eye somehow makes the connection that these waterpool/dead tree tableaus have spiritual significance to the land's native inhabitants, else they wouldn't have chosen to honor their dead in that place.Later, the leader of the Christian warriors, who was allowed to travel through the unnamed land unmolested up until that point, is shot dead with arrows while standing waist-deep in a small pond. Note: to his left stands a dead, sun-bleached tree rising out of the water. Was the warrior-leader shot for violating the native inhabitants' "holy ground" by standing in the pond?Recall the earlier scene in which all of the characters drink some unnamed psychoactive liquor from a carved wooden bottle, and then all proceed to succumb to various kinds of drug-induced mania and/or religious ecstasy on the shores of a still lagoon. After drinking, One Eye glances over his shoulder toward a distant rocky promontory, where the native inhabitants are presumed to be hiding and watching; One Eye does this to let them know he's aware they are there. Then, standing apart from the maddened, drug-dazed crowd, One Eye constructs a column-like structure of stones on a small islet near the shores of the lagoon. Note that when he begins this task, One Eye sets the first stone atop the stump of a dead tree. He is sending the watching tribesmen the message that he understands their religion: he knows what their holy places are, where spirits are presumed to dwell. And so One Eye himself constructs a new "holy place."At the end of the film, before One Eye is beaten to death, he envisions himself (his spirit?) walking into the waters of that lagoon where he built the stone column; then he (or his spirit) is submerged, the head disappearing under the water's surface, like he did near the beginning of the film when he found the arrowhead that eventually aided him in freeing himself. Only this time, the audience is supposed to surmise that the freedom One Eye seeks (and gets, through the death of his physical body) is spiritual freedom, as opposed to his physical freedom earlier. One Eye's physical body dies, and his spirit enters the waters of the lagoon where he built the "holy place" marker, to become one of the native inhabitants' gods.

(2012-04-09 22:38:17)

Mads Mikkelsen is Fantastic

Mads Mikkelsen is enigmatic and charismatic. He's fearsome, silent, ominous, brooding. It's pretty amazing that he does such an excellent acting job without saying a word throughout the entire film. Being a great actor, though, it's not surprising... it's only surprising because we're so used to clever banter, catchphrases and pretentious babble filling our ears as we watch a film. It's easy to forget that acting without words is an art. His performance alone is worth 3 or 4 stars. Whether you dig or get the film is irrelevant... Mads is amazing. He carries the film all the way.Story-wise, the film is at times quite surreal and ends in such a non-Hollywood sort of way that absolutely guarantees a low rating from many "reviewers". If you recall Terry Gilliam's battles to end "Brazil" the way he wanted, and not the Hollywood way, you'll have a feel for how this goes. It's quite brave, really. At the same time, it brings Mikkelsen's wild, dangerous character to a level of sacrifice and honor that few protagonists ever attain.If you glance at the ratings, you'll see that people either love or hate this film. I've got to point out, though... these people giving this film 1 star shouldn't be rating films anywhere. A 1 is a preposterous rating for a film of such excellent cinematic quality, not to mention Mikkelsen's performance. Now, the easy thing to say is that these folks give a 1 to anything that doesn't have explosions in it, or f-bombs, or isn't an over-hyped piece of Hollywood excess. No doubt that is the case for many of these people... they'd be better off watching "Armageddon" for the 400th time than watching this film, which requires some thought and appreciation. But maybe they didn't get into it... fine. But a 1 rating is a joke.4 out of 5

egghurler

(2012-04-08 01:22:13)

Missed.... then left.

The concept that this is an Art-house flick is acceptable. The conceptthat it is supposed to leave you to ponder is also fine. I understoodthis when I got it out. The problem is, when you want people to pondera story in the way this tried to, you need to give tantalizing snippetsinto the characters, their minds & the journey. Without these snippets,it becomes meaningless. That's what happened here. Nothing. Then, the'nothing' that happened changed & just made the story disjointed &stupid. The profoundly artistic method totally missed. It made everyone of the characters utterly empty & their journey turned utterlyridiculous. They landed nowhere, doing nothing, with no motive orreason for being there. The ending was quite easily, the most stupidmeaningless ending to a film I've ever seen. Over all, between themisproduced art form, the complete lack of fact, the totally hollow orunknowable characters & the journey that went somewhere else, I have toregard this as probably one of the more complete failures.In other words..... so arty it died horribly. Alone.

salyerjack300

(2012-04-07 10:28:47)

Finally, greatness in a movie

In a world of terrible movies, this one stands out. Powerful, violent,terrifying, this movie is all of this and more. If you "like totally don't get it" or " its so like, completelyboring", you don't deserve this movie. Go back and watch something withthe hoards of horrible actors this world produces.If, however you do "get it", I congratulate you!!In the making of this movie, the entire crew suffered cold, hunger,pain etc. I applaud the effort.The problem is this movie is presented to an audience of whom 95% ofwhich, wouldn't know a bad movie from a good movie it it bit them ontheir A$$. Most people don't know how to think on their own, much lesshave someone else try and explain it to them. I applaud the Cast andCrew for giving us this cinematic gem.Bravo!!

(2012-04-06 12:05:03)

God, this is dreadful!!!

This review is from: Valhalla Rising (DVD) Every bit of my meanspiritedness comes out at this. Production values (lighting,sound, acting, etc) are generally poor. I expected too much of this turkey and therefore write disparigingly of it because I found it SO wanting.

(2012-04-06 05:52:48)

Christian vikings get what they deserved

This review is from: Valhalla Rising (DVD) Well, this is far from an ordinary film, but a good one. Should I classify this film, I would say this is an art movie. However, instead of relying on extensive dialogs as many European (good) art films, this one uses outside impressive scenery, excellent photography, a simple script, and brief yet deep dialogs. Is this a violent film? yes it is, but that is far from the main point here, despite the several such scenes. I will not talk about the story, but in short, it would make a good proportion of viewers to wonder whether Canadian natives were indeed the good guys here. Technically, the DVD transfer has excellent quality, widescreen presentation, English and Spanish subtitles.

chupito-1

(2012-03-31 00:36:00)

Intense and beautiful

Finally a really artistic movie! Isn't movie making supposed to be anart? Finally something different from the typical American scenario!Beautiful photography, contrasting with crude graphic and violentscenes. The soundtrack is just amazing. A mystic journey - many levelsof interpretation. The confrontation of three different worlds andtheir perception of one another. An interesting criticism ofChristianity. Interesting absence of women, in the movie representativeof their absence in historical accounts of that era. I liked the use ofcolors, the contrast of the slow pace of the plot line with theintensely violent scenes, and the music. If you've got an open mind andcan appreciate something out of the ordinary, I strongly recommend thisone. One of my best movies of 2010!

(2012-03-30 21:28:38)

Back in the days when men were men - and women were too!

This derivative examination of a primitive crusade to spread faith in a hostile environment isn't without visual interest and spurts of creativity, but it certainly is no quest for fire. Pretentious spiritualism and trite indictments of the missionary politic keep it all less than sublime. The music sounds like judgement day, and gloom and doom loom large.

Smierdziuch Paskudnik

(2012-03-22 04:32:10)

The less is said the better

The sheer pain of going through hour and a half of this utterly boringand totally uninspiring piece of masochistic lack of creativity canonly be matched by the pain of writing more than ten lines of thereview. While common sense screams to leave the cinema, the false hopestill lingers around, with final credits coming not a moment too soonbring a mixture of joy and relief. While the beginning of the nonexistent story gives the viewer an illusion of something interestingand captivating to come, the promise never comes true. There isvirtually no dialogue in the movie, which turns to be a good choice,since at least one sense is spared from the 90 minutes of visualtorture. It is worth noticing, that the film was financed throughEuropean Union grant, as no bank would burn good money on it. Asnothing really happens, there is no risk of inadvertently include aspoiler in the review.

KineticSeoul

(2012-03-21 14:39:11)

Grotesque artsy movie about the viciousness of human nature with crusaders

This is basically a grotesques and dark movie that revolve around humannature and what happens when they get pushed to the limit. There issome cringe worthy scenes in this movie so it isn't for anyone. I thinkit's even more cringe worthy because it doesn't have those Hollywoodelements in it when it comes to violence. The viciousness of humannature is shown in this through artistic manner. The story anddirection is very simple and this would have been a very short moviebut everything is so drawn out. A lot of scenes just has the characterslooking at each other for a long period of time although you can sortof see what they are thinking through there emotions slightly. Someparts seem to skip around leaving to the viewers imagination. There islittle dialogue in this movie and spends a lot of time showing more ofthe atmosphere that is surrounding the characters. And how when craphits the fan they can crumble and everything can fall apart. I know ithappens a lot in artsy movies but this movie just seemed a bit too slowat times with what it has. Even when it comes to the simple parts ofthe story. This flick goes in a more psychological approach withsymbolism that has paranoia, betrayal and a bit of atheist elements.This wasn't one of those really dull artsy movie though and didn't havea difficult time sitting through this whole thing. The flaw is thisisn't really a effective artsy movie and the message it's trying toconvey can be understood although I can see why people don't agree withthe message. So the plot is really drawn out while not being clear andthe dialogue is short and isn't all that impressive for a artsy movie.You also won't care for any of the characters in this movie because ofthe development and direction of it all. Yeah it's sometimes okay toleave things to the audiences point of view but almost nothing isreally clear in this movie, just the violence. To sum it up it isn'tthe worst artsy movie I seen but this just isn't a effective on either.6.3/10